The only problem? My extreme anxiety about going by myself. Even though I knew my spiritual/intellectual self needed the nourishment, my social/emotional self could not let go of the fear of being socially rejected or feeling out of place.
Isn't it interesting then, that our focus in the scriptures during this Bible study ended up revolving around anxiety and how it forces us to abandon our belief in God. Ironic, no? Or is it God simply trying to tell me something? :P
So this is how, Pastor Deone Drake, the singles' pastor, defined anxiety.
Anxiety is a distracting concern that becomes a preoccupation and that interferes with our whole-hearted devotion to Christ
How true did that definition feel to me. And how very guilty did I feel in my realization of how applicable it was to my life. There are so many things that I overanalyze and stress about that completely occupies my mind and heart, when I should be giving Christ control of both. Whether it be self image, friendships, my career, my family... so much of it consumes me with worry, that I very very often keep Christ in the background.
Pastor Deone gave a great example of how anxiety can consume you.
Bees. It's easy to become distracted from whatever we are doing when a bee makes it's presence known to your ears with the annoying little buzz buzz sound it makes. And when it doesn't go away immediately, don't we immediately start to worry about being stung, and our mind becomes completely consumed with making it go away... or in my case, running far away from it. But really? When this happens? How many times does the bee actually sting us? Rarely. And the same could be said with our own personal anxieties. More often than not, our worries don't bear fruit, instead it just eats away at our hearts and minds.
Reading Matthew 6:24-32 I realized two things.
1. Anxiety believes it is possible to serve two masters. And if you are a follower of Christ, you know there is only one master. And just to be clear, anxiety, isn't it. (V.24)
2. Anxiety also believes God won't take care of you, even though He has a track record of caring for His creation. (V. 26)
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Do I not trust Him enough to take care of me, that I must be continually consumed in worry?
Just by looking at my anxiety in these two ways, I've realized I am suffering from unbelief. God knows what I need, just like a parent knows what a child needs, and yet I don't trust Him to take care of me. While it's more an insecurity issue, in my case, than a controlling one, I still feel overwhelmed by all the things I don't like about myself. In my constant worry, I put me first instead of Him. He needs to be my first and only master... not anxiety over "things"... and I need to remember that if He's taking care of the birds, he's certainly taking care of me and everything I worry about. Once I devote and focus myself on Him, the rest? He's promised to sort out Himself.
1 Peter 5:6-7
It's going to be hard for me. I don't expect my worries to just melt away. But I do feel better. Just going to that singles Bible study proved, my panicked feelings prior to arriving to the church, did not come to fruition. Not only did I start to feel comfortable, but God helped me meet a few new Christian friends in the process. Just goes to show ya, God knew exactly what I needed.
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I'm going to try to attend Pastor Dean Drakes singles Bible studies all summer. The next six? eight? weeks are going to be all about battling unbelief, but in ways you might not expect. My goal? To reflect on this series weekly here. And more importantly... it will get me posting on here with some regularity, which we all know has been an issue as of late ;)
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